Transcript of the 10am Press Conference. Cadillac enters, appropriately social distanced and masked, seats majestically upon his leather executive chair and allows the questions to begin.
Biff Wool, Field & Stream Gourmet - Mr. Moose, can you tell us why you are here instead of living with your wife in Alaska.
Well, first of all I am not married. It seems the lovely Ms McKinley expected me to engage in barbaric rituals to complete our engagement where I was to smash antlers with other moose. That is not in keeping with my delicate and peaceful constitution. Secondly, have you been in Alaska in the winter? It is not just cold it is COLD and there are zero coffee shops and zero WiFi in that frozen north space. I had to shelter in a town to find substance. So it was to NC where the Driver lives that I had to escape.
Koff E. Cupp with the Ungulates Daily News - Mr. Cadillac, we have heard a rumor that you are required to get a job, can you confirm that report?
I am, of course, not “required” but I have agreed to seek employment that is suitable to my talents.
Koff E. Cupp, So what are you looking at doing?
I am keeping options open but at present looking only at employment that will allow my full talents to expand and that pays very well. So areas I expect to investigate are: photographer (must be easy the Driver does it), swimwear model, barista (I am very good at drinking lattes), train pilot, actor - my natural good looks and winsome personality are clear assets, doctor, I clearly look good in green, unicyclist, cupcake baker and, of course, CEO of an appropriately large company, like Disney, for example, are among the first jobs that I will allow people to vie for my services.
Millie Mite with the Marsh Observer, What is your role with Two Lane Touring?
I expect first to rescue it from obscurity and improve its image which will occur simply by my presence. I will have my OWN column, my OWN byline, my OWN place on the menu bar and will post at least one time each weekend. I will also continue to provide sharp insight when the Driver travels to keep the record straight.
Craigy Hiltop with the Stranger the Fiction News Report, we heard that you were arrested in Canada and deported, is that accurate?
Of course not. As I escaped Alaska once the weather broke, i had to travel though something called the YouCan. Some strange man in a red coat wanted my passport. I told them I did not have any ports and went on my way. They took me captive, illegally I am sure, put a bothersome device on my hoof (the passport I guess) and then I excepted into North Dakota. Luckily I have huge fans in ND and they fed me and set me on the course to the North of Carolina by the Missouri River the more rivers until I was at the end of the rivers in some forest. Where the rangers forced me into a box and gave me a carrot for dinner, A raw carrot, no dip, not roasted, nothing. Then I was bounced all over until arriving, no doubt do to my superior sense of direction, at the Nice One’s house. I do plan to sue everyone.
Millie Mite, What is your next step?
Lunch of course, then after a nap, dinner. Then I will develop my personal branding, establish a social media presence and wait for the lucky employer to make me offers.
That’s all for now but watch for my first column next week.
